On My Own
by KuroNekoShoujo
Summary: Song fic using the "Les Miserables" song 'On My Own.' Shin's feelings about Yuda during the original six episode "Saint Beast" series.


***glances around nervously* Umm...hi? PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I know I practically fell off the face of the fanfiction world for a while there, but I swear, it was not my fault! Blame my life, it's trying to kill me! *cries***

**Anyway, I know you all are probably very, VERY unhappy with me for not updating _Strength_ in so long, but please rest assured, I am working on the next chapter. So why am I publishing another random oneshot, you ask? Well, because my muse is a royal pain in the buttkiss, and put the idea for this fic in my head, and then wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it! Curse you, you stupid muse! TT_TT**

**So, I was listening to the _Les Miserables_ soundtrack the other day (great musical, btw), and this song just lept out at me as something that Shin was probably feeling during the first, six episode _Saint Beast _series. And then...well, my muse took over from there, and thus you have this fic. **

**Now, on with the fic!**

**Warning: Angst. Buckets and buckets of angst. But other than that, nothing much.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the bishies of _Saint Beast_, nor do I own the music of _Les Miserables_. But how I wish I did!**

_

* * *

__On my own_

_Pretending he's beside me_

Shin walked alone down the darkened streets of the city. Truly, he knew he should go back to the mansion. These days, it was dangerous for anyone, especially an angel, to be wandering the city streets at night. Besides, the others were waiting for him. Kira, Maya, Gai, Gou, Rei...

But not _him_. Not the person Shin wanted, more than anything, to be waiting for him. No, that person would never wait for him, ever again.

_All alone_

_I walk with him till morning_

Which is why Shin did not wish to return to the mansion. Because while he wandered through the damp, dark streets, he could pretend.

He could pretend that his beloved was awaiting him at home, and Shin was staying out late just to tease him. Or he could pretend that his lover looked down on him from Heaven, impatiently waiting for his return from his latest mission.

And sometimes, on the nights that Shin felt unbearably desperate and alone, he could even imagine his love walking beside him, his presence feeling just as real as the cement beneath his feet.

_Without him_

_I feel his arms around me_

At times, Shin's fantasies grew so vivid that he could almost feel those strong arms around his shoulders, drawing him closer to that warm, solid body. He would lay his head against a strong, muscular shoulder and smile, thinking that this was the only place he ever truly felt safe.

_And when I lose my way I close my eyes_

_And he has found me_

Shin knew that his lover would always be there. He would never be in danger, because his love would always protect him. He could never be lost, because his love would always find him. And he could never be lonely, because his lover was always with him.

_In the rain_

_The pavement shines like silver_

_All the lights_

_Are misty in the river_

_In the darkness the trees are full of starlight_

_And all I see is him and me forever and forever_

Everything takes on a new light when Shin is with his love. The rain falling around him changes from a wet, gray curtain to droplets of crystal tumbling down from a midnight sky. The night air turns from uncomfortably cold to pleasantly cool against the heat that builds under his skin every time his beloved touches him. Life seems to take on new meaning, when Shin is with his love.

_And I know it's only in my mind_

_That I'm talking to myself and not to him_

It's only when Shin moves to wrap his arms around his love and is met with only air that he remembers. His beloved is gone. His comforting presence now only exists in Shin's mind and memories. Shin is alone.

_And although I know that he is blind_

_Still I say, there's a way for us_

Still, Shin can't help but hope. Hope that, one day, things will be as they were before. One day, they will all be happy, together in Heaven once more.

One day, his love will return to him once more.

_I love him_

_But when the night is over_

_He is gone_

_A river's just a river_

_Without him_

_The world around me changes_

_The trees are bare and everywhere _

_The streets are full of strangers_

Once the illusion is broken, everything loses its light. The world around him seems to darken, and an all too familiar chill seeps back into Shin's bones. Even the gradual lightening of the sky as the dawn approaches does little to alleviate the darkness in Shin's heart.

With a start, Shin realizes that he has been wandering the city all night. The others must be terribly worried about him. Yet, even as these thoughts register in his mind, Shin cannot bring himself to care. Why should he care? The only thing worth caring about in his life is gone.

_I love him_

_But everyday I'm learning_

_All my life_

_I've only been pretending_

_Without me_

_His world would go on turning_

_A world that's full of happiness _

_That I have never known_

Yet what hurts more than anything else is not the knowledge that his lover is gone. No, that Shin might have been able to bear. What hurts the most is that his beloved could return to his side at any time. Even if only for one, brief moment, his love could come and alleviate some of the agony in Shin's heart.

But he chooses not to.

He has abandoned Shin, electing instead to further his own goals, his own plans. His love cast him aside, without a single word of comfort or parting. Shin's only consolation was that, obviously, his love was not going through the same torment as him, because, no matter what, Shin would never wish his beloved any form of pain.

_I love him_

Droplets of water that had nothing to do with the rain slowly slid down Shin's cheeks. 'I love you...'

_I love him_

'No matter what the outcome of this battle, I love you...'

_I love him_

'Even after my heart ceases to beat, I will love you...'

_But only on my own_

'I love you, Yuda.'

* * *

**Well, there you have it. What do you think? Was it descent? Was it horrible? Please let me know! This is my first ever song fic, so I really, REALLY need feedback! Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with Shin on top? PLEASE!**

**Hopefully, I will have the next chapter of _Strength_ out sometime next week, but no promises. I'll do my best, though!**

**Until next time!**

**~Neko-chan~ **


End file.
